I had a dream on Thursday night that was wonderful. I don't know if I would exactly call it a dream because it happened right as I laid down in bed and closed my eyes. Maybe more of a vision.

I frequently ask in my prayers for Mason to come and see and let me know that he is alright. I know that he is fine, but at the same time as his mom I want to KNOW that he is alright. As I closed my eyes that night I saw a little happy baby smiling at me. He was dressed in white in what looked very similar to the white dress that we buried him in. (I will have to save the story of the white dress for another post.) He was glowing in white light. I don't remember his distinct features, but he had blond hair like Mason did when he was born. He just kept smiling at me.  Smiling from ear to ear and with a twinkle in his eyes. I could feel that our souls were connected.

I felt from the very beginning with Mason that he was going to be a very active and mischievous kid. And in those eyes I saw that they were full of life. I didn't want the dream to end, but as soon as it began it felt like it was over. I kept looking for that smiling face to come back, but all I saw was black.

I hope I get to see that smiling face again. It brought me great comfort to know that Mason is happy where he is. I'm sure he is playing with his Grandparents who have passed on and bringing happiness and joy to them. Now that I think about it, they were probably jealous that we are all down here with all these grand kids and wanted one for themselves. As hard as it is and was to give up Mason I KNOW that he is in the best, most beautiful, loving, and amazing place in the Universe.

I miss you my little Mace Man. Please come and see me again soon. I'll be waiting for you in my dreams.

Love,
Mom

I have been meaning to write for some time, but I think I avoid it because I dont want to put down in words what is going on because it makes what has happened all the more real. I like to think that I'm doing well given the time that has passed since we lost Mason. It's been about two and a half months now and I feel like we are adjusting to our "new normal"... whatever that means. I feel like we have gotten back into our regular routine of what our life was like before. The other night when I was helping Drew brush his teeth before bed, time kinda stopped and I felt this sense of everything is still the same. I still take care of Drew everyday: feed him meals, play games, watch shows, go to the park, play with friends, get ready for bed. Nothing has really changed in the physical sense of our day-to-day motions. The moment took me by surprise and reinforced to me that our lives are different yet the same.

I wish our lives were different in another way though and that we were adjusting to being a family of four, but we are adjusting to being a family that has gone through a terrible loss and living life more faithfully and fully everyday.

It's hard to for me to get the word out of my mouth, "I have lost a baby." I lost a baby that was 36 and a half weeks old and was ready to come into this world. I lost my baby through a horrible, totally out of my control accident. He got the cord wrapped around his neck twice and it just got too tight. He became distressed and just couldn't make it. When I think of my baby struggling inside of me the pain is hard to bear. As his mom I am supposed to protect him, take care of him, make sure that he is alright. But I could not do that. As a mom it is my sole responsibility to protect my children. And again I couldn't do that.

Living with that pain everyday is difficult. I can put on the happy face and tell everyone that I'm hanging in there, but the truth is that I'm sad. Just plain flat out sad. In every motion that I go through in my day I think out what it would be like to Mason there with us. A trip to the store, getting in and out of the car, going to church, getting ready in the morning. What it would be like to have a new baby with us all the time. The way Drew would interact with him and I'm sure love on Mason to the point of smothering him with kisses and hugs.  Those thoughts fill my mind every waking moment.  I'm not quite sure what to do with them either because it's not going to change anything. Mason is not physically here. I like to think that his little spirit is here looking after us and getting us through this hard time.

I see a counselor periodically and she told that little spirits stay around a while after they have left this earth to make sure that their family is alright and they only leave when you have let them go and have gotten over your loss of them. This thought brings me lots of comfort. I enjoy knowing that he is here with us still and I am not ready to let him go yet.  I know that there will come a time when I have to take a step forward without him and let him go back to his Heavenly Father, but I am not ready for that yet. Who knows when it will be, but I don't want him to leave me yet.

.........................

I'm going to try and write in here everyday. I have been very bad about keeping this blog up. I had my husband set this up for me so that I could have an outlet for how I am feeling. I hope that someone else going through a similar experience will be able to relate to my words and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. 

My Mason

Life is so very precious and you just never know when a little life is going to be taken too soon. We sadly lost our little boy Mason on December 10, 2010. I had gone in for my regular appointment with my doctor and he had a hard time finding the babies heartbeat. I was so scared and wanted my baby to be safe. I went down the hall and a nurse did a non-stress test to find that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

My doctor came down and talked with me to give me the devastating news. I was in shock. I didn't cry-- I just sat there with my heart breaking into a million pieces. How could this happen to me? I'm not supposed to lose my babies. Ive already had a healthy baby with no complications. Their must be some kind of mistake. I'm only four weeks away from my due date-- women don't lose babies this late in pregnancy. He is supposed to come home to his family who have been anticipating his arrive for the last 8 months.

My doctor called Derrick at work and gave him the news. He left work and came straight to me. When Derrick walked in the room we just cried together. Cried for our loss. Cried for our baby boy that should have been. Cried because there were no words to say. My doctor came in a while later and gave us our options. We decided to go straight over to the hospital and I would be induced. The induction went fast and by 8:33pm Mason was born. He was 6 pounds 9 ounces, 18 1/2 inches, and perfect in every way. He looked just like his older brother with the butt chin and all. The only difference was that Mason's hair was blond-- and curly like his moms.

I held him all night long never wanting to let him go. I told him all about his family and how much they all loved him. I told him about his big brother Drew and how he loved Ironman and Star Wars. I told him about his Daddy who was so excited to have two favorite little boys. I told him about his grandparents and how excited they were to have another grandbaby. I told him about his crazy cousins. I told him how much I loved him with every fiber of my being and that if I could make this all better I would. I wished so bad that he would open his eyes and look at me and this all would be a bad dream. But I knew he would not open his eyes and that he wasn't going to be coming home with me.

I looked at all his perfect little body parts that were all ready to go. He had 10 beautiful little fingers and 10 beautiful little toes. Mason was all ready to go except that he had to go home to his Heavenly Father instead of with us. All he needed to get was his body so he could return back to Heaven. I'm comforted with the knowledge that I will see him again someday and hold him in my arms, but for now I will have to wait. I know that right now will be the hardest, but with time the pain of him not being here will get softer and more easy to bare.

We decided to take Mason back to San Luis Obispo because that is our home. I could not think of another place better to put him to rest. We chose a little cemetery close to where we used to live and Derrick walked by it everyday to work. It's beautiful. Mason will now live under a beautiful sycamore tree with big leaves and branches to protect him. We hope someday to be able to go back and live there again so we can all be together.

The service was beautiful and Mason's little spirit was there with us as we said good-bye. Both of his Grandpa's spoke with such sweetness and elegance as they honored Mason. My best friend Tani sang. I read a letter I wrote to Mason expressing my love for him and letting him know that he will always be apart of me. I told him of my hopes and dreams for him. I told him that it was now his job to watch over our family and be our guardian angel. That he will have to walk us through this life, so that we can be with him again.

A letter to my baby

I read this at Mason's memorial

December 17, 2010

My Dearest Mason,

I don’t even know where to begin. You came and left us way too soon. When you were placed in my arms I could feel your sweet spirit glowing from within. I held you tight never wanting to let you go. I just looked at your sweet face imagining all the things I wished I could have given you. You were not supposed to leave this world yet. You were supposed to come home with me, so that I could be your mom and take care of you. Give you endless love.

I was ready with drawers full of clothes and a place for you to rest your head. Your big brother, Drew, was  going to let you sleep in his crib and share his room and toys. You boys were going to be best friends and I’m sure Drew would teach you all his naughty tricks. Daddy was so excited to have two little boys to call his favorite and teach to play video games and baseball. I could not wait to hold you in my arms in the quiet early hours of the morning when only you and I existed in this crazy world. We were going to go on lots of trips to Grandma and Grandpa house to play till you could not play anymore.

I can think of so many things we were supposed to do together, but Heavenly Father had other plans for you. He needed you to get your perfect little body, so that you could come back to Him and do the work he needed you to do. There were bigger plans for you far beyond your family here on Earth. 

Mason, I wish with all my heart that I could take you in my arms and hold you forever. Hold you close to my heart and never let you go. I would give you kisses all day long; run my fingers through your curly blond hair. I would look in your eyes and tell you that everything is going to be alright. For now though I will have to do all those things in my dreams. Mason, please visit me often and make your presence known by the sweet whisperings of the Spirit. You will forever be apart of me. Thank you for sharing 9 months of your precious life inside of me.

You will forever be my little boy-- My baby Mace Man. Please make me proud of all the amazing work you are doing up there with Heavenly Father. Tell Grandma and Grandpa Thomas hello for me and make sure they take good care of you.

I’m not quite sure how to end this. I love you with every fiber of my being! You will always be apart of me where ever I go. My heart has grown a hundred times bigger because of you. I know we will meet again someday and I will take you in my arms and you will tell me, ‘Welcome home Mom.’

All my love for eternity,

Mommy