I have been a bag of mixed emotions lately. I cannot seem to decide on how I feel. One moment I feel ok and settled with losing Mason; others I feel as if the world is spinning around me and I am standing still in the middle moving no where, or the water is raising so fast that I do not have time to catch my breath before I am swallowed up. I guess all of those are pretty scary and sad feelings and I like to think that the majority of the time I am doing ok, but I don't know if that's the case.

I feel utterly sick with everything that has happened. Sometimes even physical ill. With the way everything happened in losing Mason it makes me nauseated to even think about it. I know that there is really no good way to find out that you have lost a baby that you have been carrying for the last eight months and that nothing in life could ever prepare you for it, but I feel that mine was worse in some way. The delivery of Mason was horrendous at best. After we found out that Mason was gone my doctor came and spoke with my husband and I about his delivery and what our options were. I could either go the route of IV drugs for the pain and be completely out of it or I could get an epidural and be in my most present as possible mind when I delivered Mason.  Well, I went for the epidural because I did not want to miss a single moment with my little boy. Long story short I was not given an epidural because the anesthesiologist on call felt that I should be further along in my labor before I got it. Mind you I was reeling in pain and the doctor did not even come in and see me. I progressed so fast (I went from 1-10cm in about 40 minutes) that I delivered Mason with nothing for the pain. As if the emotional pain I was in was not bad enough it had to be topped with the most horrific physical pain I have ever felt. When I think about his delivery I just cringe. I'm disgusted with the way it all went and when I think about all the events that happened that night I feel disgusted.

No mother should ever have to deliver her dead baby. As I laid in the hospital waiting for Mason to come the table that they put the baby on was sitting at the other side of the room taunting me. I just kept looking at it thinking my baby is not going to come out and get wrapped in a blanket on there and then have his Daddy come and cut his cord. His poor little lifeless body was given to me and my husband to hold and cry and think how our lives will forever be different because of that night. It all still just seems so unfair.

It has now been almost 5 months since we lost Mason and he is still always on my mind. My good friends and I were all pregnant at the same time and they all have their babies. Everyone around me has their babies, but I don't and it is so unfair. I tell them that I'm ok being around them and that it doesn't bother me, but its a lie. I wish with all of my heart that Mason was here keeping me up all hours of night-- here I am staying up to all hours of the night because I cant sleep. The time now is 1:33AM. I want to see what he would look like now, how chubby he would be, his little personality coming out. I don't get to see those things- I can only dream of what he would be like.

Tonight I was looking online at websites for parents that have lost babies. I haven't really looked at them before, but I'm glad I have found them. I can totally relate to what they are all saying and it makes me want to write more on here. But on one site they had a huge list of all the websites out there for parents suffering from infant loss. I found one called Baby Angel Pics that does photo retouching on pictures of stillborn infants. We have pictures of Mason that we took in the hospital, but they are not the best and Mason does not look so good as well. I have not shown the pictures to anyone because he doesn't look how he was supposed to. This website though says that you can send them 2 images and they can retouch them to make them look better and then you can have a beautiful picture of your baby. What a wonderful service.

As I was reading through their info page they had a section titled "Our Beliefs." This is what they said:
  
   We believe that families can be together forever, and that we have the chance to be with our little   children once more. We know that these children who pass away are innocent, and for some reason they came to this world briefly, received a body, but didn't have to be tested like the rest of us. More information about our beliefs can be found here, and here. If you'd like some missionaries to come by and share more about these particular beliefs, you can click here.

The link goes to lds.org to a lesson on The Salvation of Little Children. The lesson tells of how Joseph Smith lost 9 children. I cannot even imagine the pain he and Emma must have felt for their babies. I have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a martyr and gave his life for his belief in Jesus Christ, but tonight as I read about his children that he didn't get to see grow in this life that it was probably easier for him to give his life because he knew that he was going to get to go and see his children. I'm sure as he came through the veil they were all their waiting for him to come home. I cannot wait for that day.

The lesson also talks of how when these babies are taken before the age of accountability that their mothers will have the chance to raise them during the Resurrection. That the state that their bodies were in as they were laid to rest will be how they will come back and their mothers have the chance to raise them to full stature. Another promise or blessing that was given was that when you raise your children in this world you are uncertain as to how they will turn out. Whether or not they will chose the right path, but when they are raised by their mothers after the resurrection their is no uncertainly, no failure in bringing up that special soul. I cannot wait for that day to hold little Mason in my arms again and raise him up to be the perfect man he was meant to be.

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We have been thinking about trying again next month. Part of me wishes that I was already pregnant for how bad I want to have a little baby of my own in my arms, but another part of me is in a complete panic about it. How could I possibly handle being pregnant again and not be on the verge of a nervous breakdown the whole time? I read something last night that said if your want for a baby out weighs the fear of being pregnant again then maybe you are ready...maybe I'm ready?

Tonight as I was laying down with Drew to put him to bed I had this sense of peace come over me. That it's going to be ok and that it wont happen again. It was a very comforting feeling. Last night as I prayed I told Heavenly Father that he has to tell me that this will never happen again to me and I feel that I got my answer tonight. Also, as I was laying there with Drew he said he saw a blue light and I looked where he was and I saw nothing. A few minutes later he told me that he saw, "a blue and a pink light." Again I looked and did not see anything. I like to think that it was two little spirits in the room with us showing themselves to Drew and for him to tell me about them. Maybe they are the spirits that are waiting to come to our family or maybe it was Mason and his sister checking in on me. Whatever the blue and pink light were I thank them for bringing peace and comfort to my heart tonight.