I have been meaning to write for some time, but I think I avoid it because I dont want to put down in words what is going on because it makes what has happened all the more real. I like to think that I'm doing well given the time that has passed since we lost Mason. It's been about two and a half months now and I feel like we are adjusting to our "new normal"... whatever that means. I feel like we have gotten back into our regular routine of what our life was like before. The other night when I was helping Drew brush his teeth before bed, time kinda stopped and I felt this sense of everything is still the same. I still take care of Drew everyday: feed him meals, play games, watch shows, go to the park, play with friends, get ready for bed. Nothing has really changed in the physical sense of our day-to-day motions. The moment took me by surprise and reinforced to me that our lives are different yet the same.

I wish our lives were different in another way though and that we were adjusting to being a family of four, but we are adjusting to being a family that has gone through a terrible loss and living life more faithfully and fully everyday.

It's hard to for me to get the word out of my mouth, "I have lost a baby." I lost a baby that was 36 and a half weeks old and was ready to come into this world. I lost my baby through a horrible, totally out of my control accident. He got the cord wrapped around his neck twice and it just got too tight. He became distressed and just couldn't make it. When I think of my baby struggling inside of me the pain is hard to bear. As his mom I am supposed to protect him, take care of him, make sure that he is alright. But I could not do that. As a mom it is my sole responsibility to protect my children. And again I couldn't do that.

Living with that pain everyday is difficult. I can put on the happy face and tell everyone that I'm hanging in there, but the truth is that I'm sad. Just plain flat out sad. In every motion that I go through in my day I think out what it would be like to Mason there with us. A trip to the store, getting in and out of the car, going to church, getting ready in the morning. What it would be like to have a new baby with us all the time. The way Drew would interact with him and I'm sure love on Mason to the point of smothering him with kisses and hugs.  Those thoughts fill my mind every waking moment.  I'm not quite sure what to do with them either because it's not going to change anything. Mason is not physically here. I like to think that his little spirit is here looking after us and getting us through this hard time.

I see a counselor periodically and she told that little spirits stay around a while after they have left this earth to make sure that their family is alright and they only leave when you have let them go and have gotten over your loss of them. This thought brings me lots of comfort. I enjoy knowing that he is here with us still and I am not ready to let him go yet.  I know that there will come a time when I have to take a step forward without him and let him go back to his Heavenly Father, but I am not ready for that yet. Who knows when it will be, but I don't want him to leave me yet.

.........................

I'm going to try and write in here everyday. I have been very bad about keeping this blog up. I had my husband set this up for me so that I could have an outlet for how I am feeling. I hope that someone else going through a similar experience will be able to relate to my words and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.