When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting. (Neal A. Maxwell)
I have come across this quote a few times now and every time I do it brings comfort to my heart. When we lost Mason it was devastating. The world stopped for us. All things that we thought we were important no longer mattered. Even though I knew we were given this trial for a reason it was and still is very hard to accept.
I often think why did this have to happen to us? Why did a little life so precious and perfect have to be taken away from our family? What did we do to deserve an experience as awful as this? Of all the horrible things that could have happened to us, why did Heavenly Father have to take our Baby? The questions could go on and on, but I know asking these questions will not help in my healing. Wondering why me all day long will get me no where. I have to dig deep into my soul and deal with the ugliness of all that happened in order for me to improve upon myself and come out of this better than I was before.
I think this is why this quote keeps finding its way to me. Before Mason left us I think I had become comfortable in the way things were. I was not striving to better each day, but rather I felt good where I was at and who I was. I had strong faith in the Lord and a testimony of his true Gospel. The Lord, however, knew that I could do better and the only thing that was going to get me to change was something that would shatter my world. Heavenly Father knew that I needed an experience that would cause me to perfect my faith...and oh has my faith been perfected. I do not know what I would do without my perfect understanding that I will get to see my baby again one day and raise him up to his full stature. I have read lots of doctrine that explains when babies and small children leave this life before they reach the age of accountability their mothers will be able to raise them up from the way they laid them to rest. So, when the day comes at the Resurrection I will be able to hold little Mason in my arms again and give him all the kisses I have longed to give him all my life.
I thank my Heavenly Father for perfecting my faith in him, so that I can again be with Mason.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Team Mason Graham {March of Dimes Walk}
What a weekend we had. It's hard to put into words...
After we lost Mason I wanted to do something to remember him and to help other mothers who have suffered the same loss. My sister friend used to work for a non-profit called March of Dimes. March of Dimes mission is:
I thought it was a great opportunity to bring my family and friends together for a great cause and to honor Mason. I went onto the website and made a team. Team Mason Graham. I started to send out emails to friends and family and posted on facebook that we were raising money in remembrance of Mason and to help other families affected. I have been amazed at the generosity of all those who have donated. I set a goal of $1000 and we doubled our goal. We raised a total of $2090!!! In my prayers I often ask to feel support from those around me and the money that has been given is an answer to my prayers.
We had shirts made for the team. I designed them and a friend of mines brother printed them for me. They came out great. I could not have been more happy with them.
This was Team Mason Graham:
Myself, Derrick, Drew, Mazda, Daddo, Tani, Janelle, Troy, Max, Adam, Michael, Ashleigh, Ethan, Daisy, Loya, Andy, Harrison, Lily, Izzac, Marie Spackman, JJ Spackman, Lindsey Futrell, Katie Ross, Steve Ross and Aaron & Andrew Ross.
As the walk got closer I did not realize how emotional it was going to be. But as I thought more about it the emotional significance of it really hit me hard. When we arrived at the walk Saturday morning (May 7, 2011) and I saw everyone there for Mason and supporting my little family it just filled me heart with joy. To see all the kids in their shirts and knowing what they were for made me so proud. Not only did we lose a son, but they also lost a cousin.
When the walk finally started it hit me hard. The meaning all of my hard work was finally paying off. As I started to walk my ran up from behind me and grabbed my hand and held it so tight. I was overcome with emotion. Tears welled up in our eyes and I could feel little Mason their with us. Everyone was being touched by his amazing and glowing spirit. That will be a moment that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I could feel my mothers love for me pouring out as she held my hand. Her wishing with all her heart to take away my pain at the loss of my child. The chain of love shared that day between my mother and I was as pure as I have ever felt from her. I thank her for sharing that moment with me.
The walk was lots of fun. We all talked as we walked and tried to stay together as best we could. We did lose one of our little walkers and Harrison caused quite a bit of drama in his missing. A little ways into the walk Harrison decided that he wanted to win the race, so he took off running without telling anyone. I think it took a total of 15 minutes to locate him, but once we did all was well.
It was an amazing morning. I plan on walking and raising money again next year. I want it to be something that we do as a family every year to remember Mason. A sweet lady in my ward told me that she remembers going out and raising money every year with mom as a child. They would each get tin cans and go door to door collecting money. I want Drew to do the same.
After we lost Mason I wanted to do something to remember him and to help other mothers who have suffered the same loss. My sister friend used to work for a non-profit called March of Dimes. March of Dimes mission is:
We help moms have full-term pregnancies and research the problems that threaten the health of babies.
I thought it was a great opportunity to bring my family and friends together for a great cause and to honor Mason. I went onto the website and made a team. Team Mason Graham. I started to send out emails to friends and family and posted on facebook that we were raising money in remembrance of Mason and to help other families affected. I have been amazed at the generosity of all those who have donated. I set a goal of $1000 and we doubled our goal. We raised a total of $2090!!! In my prayers I often ask to feel support from those around me and the money that has been given is an answer to my prayers.
We had shirts made for the team. I designed them and a friend of mines brother printed them for me. They came out great. I could not have been more happy with them.
Myself, Derrick, Drew, Mazda, Daddo, Tani, Janelle, Troy, Max, Adam, Michael, Ashleigh, Ethan, Daisy, Loya, Andy, Harrison, Lily, Izzac, Marie Spackman, JJ Spackman, Lindsey Futrell, Katie Ross, Steve Ross and Aaron & Andrew Ross.
As the walk got closer I did not realize how emotional it was going to be. But as I thought more about it the emotional significance of it really hit me hard. When we arrived at the walk Saturday morning (May 7, 2011) and I saw everyone there for Mason and supporting my little family it just filled me heart with joy. To see all the kids in their shirts and knowing what they were for made me so proud. Not only did we lose a son, but they also lost a cousin.
When the walk finally started it hit me hard. The meaning all of my hard work was finally paying off. As I started to walk my ran up from behind me and grabbed my hand and held it so tight. I was overcome with emotion. Tears welled up in our eyes and I could feel little Mason their with us. Everyone was being touched by his amazing and glowing spirit. That will be a moment that I will forever hold dear to my heart. I could feel my mothers love for me pouring out as she held my hand. Her wishing with all her heart to take away my pain at the loss of my child. The chain of love shared that day between my mother and I was as pure as I have ever felt from her. I thank her for sharing that moment with me.
The walk was lots of fun. We all talked as we walked and tried to stay together as best we could. We did lose one of our little walkers and Harrison caused quite a bit of drama in his missing. A little ways into the walk Harrison decided that he wanted to win the race, so he took off running without telling anyone. I think it took a total of 15 minutes to locate him, but once we did all was well.
It was an amazing morning. I plan on walking and raising money again next year. I want it to be something that we do as a family every year to remember Mason. A sweet lady in my ward told me that she remembers going out and raising money every year with mom as a child. They would each get tin cans and go door to door collecting money. I want Drew to do the same.
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| The core of Team Mason Graham |
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| Tani and Nellie ready for the walk |
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| Drew and Izac having a laugh |
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| Team Mason Graham |
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| Troy and Derrick |
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| Me and the Amazing Daddo |
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| My best friend in the whole wide world, Tani |
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| Here we come |
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| Katie and I at the end of the walk |
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I have been a bag of mixed emotions lately. I cannot seem to decide on how I feel. One moment I feel ok and settled with losing Mason; others I feel as if the world is spinning around me and I am standing still in the middle moving no where, or the water is raising so fast that I do not have time to catch my breath before I am swallowed up. I guess all of those are pretty scary and sad feelings and I like to think that the majority of the time I am doing ok, but I don't know if that's the case.
I feel utterly sick with everything that has happened. Sometimes even physical ill. With the way everything happened in losing Mason it makes me nauseated to even think about it. I know that there is really no good way to find out that you have lost a baby that you have been carrying for the last eight months and that nothing in life could ever prepare you for it, but I feel that mine was worse in some way. The delivery of Mason was horrendous at best. After we found out that Mason was gone my doctor came and spoke with my husband and I about his delivery and what our options were. I could either go the route of IV drugs for the pain and be completely out of it or I could get an epidural and be in my most present as possible mind when I delivered Mason. Well, I went for the epidural because I did not want to miss a single moment with my little boy. Long story short I was not given an epidural because the anesthesiologist on call felt that I should be further along in my labor before I got it. Mind you I was reeling in pain and the doctor did not even come in and see me. I progressed so fast (I went from 1-10cm in about 40 minutes) that I delivered Mason with nothing for the pain. As if the emotional pain I was in was not bad enough it had to be topped with the most horrific physical pain I have ever felt. When I think about his delivery I just cringe. I'm disgusted with the way it all went and when I think about all the events that happened that night I feel disgusted.
No mother should ever have to deliver her dead baby. As I laid in the hospital waiting for Mason to come the table that they put the baby on was sitting at the other side of the room taunting me. I just kept looking at it thinking my baby is not going to come out and get wrapped in a blanket on there and then have his Daddy come and cut his cord. His poor little lifeless body was given to me and my husband to hold and cry and think how our lives will forever be different because of that night. It all still just seems so unfair.
It has now been almost 5 months since we lost Mason and he is still always on my mind. My good friends and I were all pregnant at the same time and they all have their babies. Everyone around me has their babies, but I don't and it is so unfair. I tell them that I'm ok being around them and that it doesn't bother me, but its a lie. I wish with all of my heart that Mason was here keeping me up all hours of night-- here I am staying up to all hours of the night because I cant sleep. The time now is 1:33AM. I want to see what he would look like now, how chubby he would be, his little personality coming out. I don't get to see those things- I can only dream of what he would be like.
Tonight I was looking online at websites for parents that have lost babies. I haven't really looked at them before, but I'm glad I have found them. I can totally relate to what they are all saying and it makes me want to write more on here. But on one site they had a huge list of all the websites out there for parents suffering from infant loss. I found one called Baby Angel Pics that does photo retouching on pictures of stillborn infants. We have pictures of Mason that we took in the hospital, but they are not the best and Mason does not look so good as well. I have not shown the pictures to anyone because he doesn't look how he was supposed to. This website though says that you can send them 2 images and they can retouch them to make them look better and then you can have a beautiful picture of your baby. What a wonderful service.
As I was reading through their info page they had a section titled "Our Beliefs." This is what they said:
We believe that families can be together forever, and that we have the chance to be with our little children once more. We know that these children who pass away are innocent, and for some reason they came to this world briefly, received a body, but didn't have to be tested like the rest of us. More information about our beliefs can be found here, and here. If you'd like some missionaries to come by and share more about these particular beliefs, you can click here.
The link goes to lds.org to a lesson on The Salvation of Little Children. The lesson tells of how Joseph Smith lost 9 children. I cannot even imagine the pain he and Emma must have felt for their babies. I have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a martyr and gave his life for his belief in Jesus Christ, but tonight as I read about his children that he didn't get to see grow in this life that it was probably easier for him to give his life because he knew that he was going to get to go and see his children. I'm sure as he came through the veil they were all their waiting for him to come home. I cannot wait for that day.
The lesson also talks of how when these babies are taken before the age of accountability that their mothers will have the chance to raise them during the Resurrection. That the state that their bodies were in as they were laid to rest will be how they will come back and their mothers have the chance to raise them to full stature. Another promise or blessing that was given was that when you raise your children in this world you are uncertain as to how they will turn out. Whether or not they will chose the right path, but when they are raised by their mothers after the resurrection their is no uncertainly, no failure in bringing up that special soul. I cannot wait for that day to hold little Mason in my arms again and raise him up to be the perfect man he was meant to be.
.......................
We have been thinking about trying again next month. Part of me wishes that I was already pregnant for how bad I want to have a little baby of my own in my arms, but another part of me is in a complete panic about it. How could I possibly handle being pregnant again and not be on the verge of a nervous breakdown the whole time? I read something last night that said if your want for a baby out weighs the fear of being pregnant again then maybe you are ready...maybe I'm ready?
Tonight as I was laying down with Drew to put him to bed I had this sense of peace come over me. That it's going to be ok and that it wont happen again. It was a very comforting feeling. Last night as I prayed I told Heavenly Father that he has to tell me that this will never happen again to me and I feel that I got my answer tonight. Also, as I was laying there with Drew he said he saw a blue light and I looked where he was and I saw nothing. A few minutes later he told me that he saw, "a blue and a pink light." Again I looked and did not see anything. I like to think that it was two little spirits in the room with us showing themselves to Drew and for him to tell me about them. Maybe they are the spirits that are waiting to come to our family or maybe it was Mason and his sister checking in on me. Whatever the blue and pink light were I thank them for bringing peace and comfort to my heart tonight.
I feel utterly sick with everything that has happened. Sometimes even physical ill. With the way everything happened in losing Mason it makes me nauseated to even think about it. I know that there is really no good way to find out that you have lost a baby that you have been carrying for the last eight months and that nothing in life could ever prepare you for it, but I feel that mine was worse in some way. The delivery of Mason was horrendous at best. After we found out that Mason was gone my doctor came and spoke with my husband and I about his delivery and what our options were. I could either go the route of IV drugs for the pain and be completely out of it or I could get an epidural and be in my most present as possible mind when I delivered Mason. Well, I went for the epidural because I did not want to miss a single moment with my little boy. Long story short I was not given an epidural because the anesthesiologist on call felt that I should be further along in my labor before I got it. Mind you I was reeling in pain and the doctor did not even come in and see me. I progressed so fast (I went from 1-10cm in about 40 minutes) that I delivered Mason with nothing for the pain. As if the emotional pain I was in was not bad enough it had to be topped with the most horrific physical pain I have ever felt. When I think about his delivery I just cringe. I'm disgusted with the way it all went and when I think about all the events that happened that night I feel disgusted.
No mother should ever have to deliver her dead baby. As I laid in the hospital waiting for Mason to come the table that they put the baby on was sitting at the other side of the room taunting me. I just kept looking at it thinking my baby is not going to come out and get wrapped in a blanket on there and then have his Daddy come and cut his cord. His poor little lifeless body was given to me and my husband to hold and cry and think how our lives will forever be different because of that night. It all still just seems so unfair.
It has now been almost 5 months since we lost Mason and he is still always on my mind. My good friends and I were all pregnant at the same time and they all have their babies. Everyone around me has their babies, but I don't and it is so unfair. I tell them that I'm ok being around them and that it doesn't bother me, but its a lie. I wish with all of my heart that Mason was here keeping me up all hours of night-- here I am staying up to all hours of the night because I cant sleep. The time now is 1:33AM. I want to see what he would look like now, how chubby he would be, his little personality coming out. I don't get to see those things- I can only dream of what he would be like.
Tonight I was looking online at websites for parents that have lost babies. I haven't really looked at them before, but I'm glad I have found them. I can totally relate to what they are all saying and it makes me want to write more on here. But on one site they had a huge list of all the websites out there for parents suffering from infant loss. I found one called Baby Angel Pics that does photo retouching on pictures of stillborn infants. We have pictures of Mason that we took in the hospital, but they are not the best and Mason does not look so good as well. I have not shown the pictures to anyone because he doesn't look how he was supposed to. This website though says that you can send them 2 images and they can retouch them to make them look better and then you can have a beautiful picture of your baby. What a wonderful service.
As I was reading through their info page they had a section titled "Our Beliefs." This is what they said:
We believe that families can be together forever, and that we have the chance to be with our little children once more. We know that these children who pass away are innocent, and for some reason they came to this world briefly, received a body, but didn't have to be tested like the rest of us. More information about our beliefs can be found here, and here. If you'd like some missionaries to come by and share more about these particular beliefs, you can click here.
The link goes to lds.org to a lesson on The Salvation of Little Children. The lesson tells of how Joseph Smith lost 9 children. I cannot even imagine the pain he and Emma must have felt for their babies. I have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a martyr and gave his life for his belief in Jesus Christ, but tonight as I read about his children that he didn't get to see grow in this life that it was probably easier for him to give his life because he knew that he was going to get to go and see his children. I'm sure as he came through the veil they were all their waiting for him to come home. I cannot wait for that day.
The lesson also talks of how when these babies are taken before the age of accountability that their mothers will have the chance to raise them during the Resurrection. That the state that their bodies were in as they were laid to rest will be how they will come back and their mothers have the chance to raise them to full stature. Another promise or blessing that was given was that when you raise your children in this world you are uncertain as to how they will turn out. Whether or not they will chose the right path, but when they are raised by their mothers after the resurrection their is no uncertainly, no failure in bringing up that special soul. I cannot wait for that day to hold little Mason in my arms again and raise him up to be the perfect man he was meant to be.
.......................
We have been thinking about trying again next month. Part of me wishes that I was already pregnant for how bad I want to have a little baby of my own in my arms, but another part of me is in a complete panic about it. How could I possibly handle being pregnant again and not be on the verge of a nervous breakdown the whole time? I read something last night that said if your want for a baby out weighs the fear of being pregnant again then maybe you are ready...maybe I'm ready?
Tonight as I was laying down with Drew to put him to bed I had this sense of peace come over me. That it's going to be ok and that it wont happen again. It was a very comforting feeling. Last night as I prayed I told Heavenly Father that he has to tell me that this will never happen again to me and I feel that I got my answer tonight. Also, as I was laying there with Drew he said he saw a blue light and I looked where he was and I saw nothing. A few minutes later he told me that he saw, "a blue and a pink light." Again I looked and did not see anything. I like to think that it was two little spirits in the room with us showing themselves to Drew and for him to tell me about them. Maybe they are the spirits that are waiting to come to our family or maybe it was Mason and his sister checking in on me. Whatever the blue and pink light were I thank them for bringing peace and comfort to my heart tonight.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I had a dream on Thursday night that was wonderful. I don't know if I would exactly call it a dream because it happened right as I laid down in bed and closed my eyes. Maybe more of a vision.
I frequently ask in my prayers for Mason to come and see and let me know that he is alright. I know that he is fine, but at the same time as his mom I want to KNOW that he is alright. As I closed my eyes that night I saw a little happy baby smiling at me. He was dressed in white in what looked very similar to the white dress that we buried him in. (I will have to save the story of the white dress for another post.) He was glowing in white light. I don't remember his distinct features, but he had blond hair like Mason did when he was born. He just kept smiling at me. Smiling from ear to ear and with a twinkle in his eyes. I could feel that our souls were connected.
I felt from the very beginning with Mason that he was going to be a very active and mischievous kid. And in those eyes I saw that they were full of life. I didn't want the dream to end, but as soon as it began it felt like it was over. I kept looking for that smiling face to come back, but all I saw was black.
I hope I get to see that smiling face again. It brought me great comfort to know that Mason is happy where he is. I'm sure he is playing with his Grandparents who have passed on and bringing happiness and joy to them. Now that I think about it, they were probably jealous that we are all down here with all these grand kids and wanted one for themselves. As hard as it is and was to give up Mason I KNOW that he is in the best, most beautiful, loving, and amazing place in the Universe.
I miss you my little Mace Man. Please come and see me again soon. I'll be waiting for you in my dreams.
Love,
Mom
I frequently ask in my prayers for Mason to come and see and let me know that he is alright. I know that he is fine, but at the same time as his mom I want to KNOW that he is alright. As I closed my eyes that night I saw a little happy baby smiling at me. He was dressed in white in what looked very similar to the white dress that we buried him in. (I will have to save the story of the white dress for another post.) He was glowing in white light. I don't remember his distinct features, but he had blond hair like Mason did when he was born. He just kept smiling at me. Smiling from ear to ear and with a twinkle in his eyes. I could feel that our souls were connected.
I felt from the very beginning with Mason that he was going to be a very active and mischievous kid. And in those eyes I saw that they were full of life. I didn't want the dream to end, but as soon as it began it felt like it was over. I kept looking for that smiling face to come back, but all I saw was black.
I hope I get to see that smiling face again. It brought me great comfort to know that Mason is happy where he is. I'm sure he is playing with his Grandparents who have passed on and bringing happiness and joy to them. Now that I think about it, they were probably jealous that we are all down here with all these grand kids and wanted one for themselves. As hard as it is and was to give up Mason I KNOW that he is in the best, most beautiful, loving, and amazing place in the Universe.
I miss you my little Mace Man. Please come and see me again soon. I'll be waiting for you in my dreams.
Love,
Mom
Monday, February 21, 2011
I have been meaning to write for some time, but I think I avoid it because I dont want to put down in words what is going on because it makes what has happened all the more real. I like to think that I'm doing well given the time that has passed since we lost Mason. It's been about two and a half months now and I feel like we are adjusting to our "new normal"... whatever that means. I feel like we have gotten back into our regular routine of what our life was like before. The other night when I was helping Drew brush his teeth before bed, time kinda stopped and I felt this sense of everything is still the same. I still take care of Drew everyday: feed him meals, play games, watch shows, go to the park, play with friends, get ready for bed. Nothing has really changed in the physical sense of our day-to-day motions. The moment took me by surprise and reinforced to me that our lives are different yet the same.
I wish our lives were different in another way though and that we were adjusting to being a family of four, but we are adjusting to being a family that has gone through a terrible loss and living life more faithfully and fully everyday.
It's hard to for me to get the word out of my mouth, "I have lost a baby." I lost a baby that was 36 and a half weeks old and was ready to come into this world. I lost my baby through a horrible, totally out of my control accident. He got the cord wrapped around his neck twice and it just got too tight. He became distressed and just couldn't make it. When I think of my baby struggling inside of me the pain is hard to bear. As his mom I am supposed to protect him, take care of him, make sure that he is alright. But I could not do that. As a mom it is my sole responsibility to protect my children. And again I couldn't do that.
Living with that pain everyday is difficult. I can put on the happy face and tell everyone that I'm hanging in there, but the truth is that I'm sad. Just plain flat out sad. In every motion that I go through in my day I think out what it would be like to Mason there with us. A trip to the store, getting in and out of the car, going to church, getting ready in the morning. What it would be like to have a new baby with us all the time. The way Drew would interact with him and I'm sure love on Mason to the point of smothering him with kisses and hugs. Those thoughts fill my mind every waking moment. I'm not quite sure what to do with them either because it's not going to change anything. Mason is not physically here. I like to think that his little spirit is here looking after us and getting us through this hard time.
I see a counselor periodically and she told that little spirits stay around a while after they have left this earth to make sure that their family is alright and they only leave when you have let them go and have gotten over your loss of them. This thought brings me lots of comfort. I enjoy knowing that he is here with us still and I am not ready to let him go yet. I know that there will come a time when I have to take a step forward without him and let him go back to his Heavenly Father, but I am not ready for that yet. Who knows when it will be, but I don't want him to leave me yet.
.........................
I'm going to try and write in here everyday. I have been very bad about keeping this blog up. I had my husband set this up for me so that I could have an outlet for how I am feeling. I hope that someone else going through a similar experience will be able to relate to my words and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
I wish our lives were different in another way though and that we were adjusting to being a family of four, but we are adjusting to being a family that has gone through a terrible loss and living life more faithfully and fully everyday.
It's hard to for me to get the word out of my mouth, "I have lost a baby." I lost a baby that was 36 and a half weeks old and was ready to come into this world. I lost my baby through a horrible, totally out of my control accident. He got the cord wrapped around his neck twice and it just got too tight. He became distressed and just couldn't make it. When I think of my baby struggling inside of me the pain is hard to bear. As his mom I am supposed to protect him, take care of him, make sure that he is alright. But I could not do that. As a mom it is my sole responsibility to protect my children. And again I couldn't do that.
Living with that pain everyday is difficult. I can put on the happy face and tell everyone that I'm hanging in there, but the truth is that I'm sad. Just plain flat out sad. In every motion that I go through in my day I think out what it would be like to Mason there with us. A trip to the store, getting in and out of the car, going to church, getting ready in the morning. What it would be like to have a new baby with us all the time. The way Drew would interact with him and I'm sure love on Mason to the point of smothering him with kisses and hugs. Those thoughts fill my mind every waking moment. I'm not quite sure what to do with them either because it's not going to change anything. Mason is not physically here. I like to think that his little spirit is here looking after us and getting us through this hard time.
I see a counselor periodically and she told that little spirits stay around a while after they have left this earth to make sure that their family is alright and they only leave when you have let them go and have gotten over your loss of them. This thought brings me lots of comfort. I enjoy knowing that he is here with us still and I am not ready to let him go yet. I know that there will come a time when I have to take a step forward without him and let him go back to his Heavenly Father, but I am not ready for that yet. Who knows when it will be, but I don't want him to leave me yet.
.........................
I'm going to try and write in here everyday. I have been very bad about keeping this blog up. I had my husband set this up for me so that I could have an outlet for how I am feeling. I hope that someone else going through a similar experience will be able to relate to my words and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
Friday, January 14, 2011
My Mason
Life is so very precious and you just never know when a little life is going to be taken too soon. We sadly lost our little boy Mason on December 10, 2010. I had gone in for my regular appointment with my doctor and he had a hard time finding the babies heartbeat. I was so scared and wanted my baby to be safe. I went down the hall and a nurse did a non-stress test to find that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
My doctor came down and talked with me to give me the devastating news. I was in shock. I didn't cry-- I just sat there with my heart breaking into a million pieces. How could this happen to me? I'm not supposed to lose my babies. Ive already had a healthy baby with no complications. Their must be some kind of mistake. I'm only four weeks away from my due date-- women don't lose babies this late in pregnancy. He is supposed to come home to his family who have been anticipating his arrive for the last 8 months.
My doctor called Derrick at work and gave him the news. He left work and came straight to me. When Derrick walked in the room we just cried together. Cried for our loss. Cried for our baby boy that should have been. Cried because there were no words to say. My doctor came in a while later and gave us our options. We decided to go straight over to the hospital and I would be induced. The induction went fast and by 8:33pm Mason was born. He was 6 pounds 9 ounces, 18 1/2 inches, and perfect in every way. He looked just like his older brother with the butt chin and all. The only difference was that Mason's hair was blond-- and curly like his moms.
I held him all night long never wanting to let him go. I told him all about his family and how much they all loved him. I told him about his big brother Drew and how he loved Ironman and Star Wars. I told him about his Daddy who was so excited to have two favorite little boys. I told him about his grandparents and how excited they were to have another grandbaby. I told him about his crazy cousins. I told him how much I loved him with every fiber of my being and that if I could make this all better I would. I wished so bad that he would open his eyes and look at me and this all would be a bad dream. But I knew he would not open his eyes and that he wasn't going to be coming home with me.
I looked at all his perfect little body parts that were all ready to go. He had 10 beautiful little fingers and 10 beautiful little toes. Mason was all ready to go except that he had to go home to his Heavenly Father instead of with us. All he needed to get was his body so he could return back to Heaven. I'm comforted with the knowledge that I will see him again someday and hold him in my arms, but for now I will have to wait. I know that right now will be the hardest, but with time the pain of him not being here will get softer and more easy to bare.
We decided to take Mason back to San Luis Obispo because that is our home. I could not think of another place better to put him to rest. We chose a little cemetery close to where we used to live and Derrick walked by it everyday to work. It's beautiful. Mason will now live under a beautiful sycamore tree with big leaves and branches to protect him. We hope someday to be able to go back and live there again so we can all be together.
The service was beautiful and Mason's little spirit was there with us as we said good-bye. Both of his Grandpa's spoke with such sweetness and elegance as they honored Mason. My best friend Tani sang. I read a letter I wrote to Mason expressing my love for him and letting him know that he will always be apart of me. I told him of my hopes and dreams for him. I told him that it was now his job to watch over our family and be our guardian angel. That he will have to walk us through this life, so that we can be with him again.
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